Our adoption journey...

Today I read a great letter from Nick Cave about inspiration, I will never be able to put it in words as he did but he says just open your mind to the idea, because the seed that will come to you, is intended really only for you so you just need to grasp it. The thing is that at the moment my brain seems to be a tornado of seeds and I feel like I am just grabbing to try and get hold of just the one seed so I can plant it but each time it slips through my fingers. I feel I am at an impasse in my life, where one side there is an alluring field with flowers and beauty and on the other side there is a torrent sea, dark and foaming but perhaps underneath the surface a beautiful world could be hidden. I have a restless soul, a thirsty soul with a thirst for something unknown.   Through all this I am trying to get through a minefield that is called puberty which is intertwined with the one called midlife crisis. It’s a constant battle, I am tired and weary, on cloud 9 one moment an...

I haven’t blogged on our adoption blog in such a long time. I remember when we started our adoption I searched a lot for post adoption blogs but there were few to find. I completely understand now why that is, life takes on its own rhythm again and leaves you with very little time. Before you know it you’re caught up in parenting a not always easy child and everything else just takes a back seat. At the same time you feel apprehensive in sharing personal information about your child. Sometimes not writing about certain difficulties makes them less real. J is now 9 years old, he doesn’t always behave it though. He still has that exhausting need to be at the centre of attention all the time. When it’s just us, we have found what works for us and he’s really easy going but add some other people in the mix and it can become truly exhausting. I am very thankful we get a lot of support at school and so far he’s been able to keep up in the normal school system. Even that require...

To the other moms, Your child may be in my child’s class, playgroup or sports group. I am sorry my child doesn’t always fit the norm; he didn’t have a family for many years before coming to us. He had a life without rules and lacked social skills. My child is trying very hard to fit into this world, but he doesn’t always tick all the boxes. He gets excited about things that seem so common to others. He doesn’t always know how to behave to fit in and sometimes resorts to excessive silly behaviour to mask everything else. My child has great anxiety issues because he doesn’t always know what is expected of him. My child may need some more attention than yours. He may not be as clever as your child. Your child may think it’s strange that he doesn’t know the rules of football at age 7 or he has never heard of spongebob squarepants but that’s just because he really doesn’t know. I wish you would tell your child its ok for others to be different, not everyone had the sam...

Had I known then, it was going to take 5.5 years to bring you  home... Had I known then, that after two years together you still wouldn’t be sure it’s forever... Had I known then, you could throw tantrums that break my heart... Had I known then, you would chatter nonstop trying to fill up every silence... Had I known then, how hard it was going to be for you at school... Had I known then, how difficult it was going to be to integrate socially.... Had I know then... I would have done it all over again. Because I know now, that your smile every morning fills my heart with love. Because I know now, that you have the best intentions. Because I know now, how courageous you are. Because I know now, how much you wanted a family. Because I know now, I couldn’t have wished for a better son. Because I know now, love.

Two years ago to this day, I sat in my dear friend Lisa’s kitchen sipping coffee. I was desperate for news from India by that time we’d been waiting a long time for the court decision. I saw there was an email from In*ia but I was hesitant to open it. Only if you’ve been through an adoption would you understand the hesitation, the desperation for news and the fear of bad news. The fear that maybe it wasn’t approved, the excitement that maybe this was the mail. It turned out to be THE mail, the one that said we were now the parents of J. I was so happy to be with auntie Lisa to share this extremely important moment. From now on, when people asked if I had kids, I could say YES! I have a son. A son, who at that point, I’d never kissed goodnight. A son whose hand I’d never held. A son to whom I’d never read a bed time story. In my mind I had of course fantasised about my son, at that point I already knew about him for some time. In my mind he was sometimes a happy boy and at oth...

7 years ago I posted a letter; it was my first letter inquiring about adoption. Once we got approved I met an extraordinary online mom who adopted three children from India. She was there for me to send me an encouraging word when things were just taking forever. We always stayed in touch and a few years ago she founded Illuminate India. I have supported them ever since because the work they do is just phenomenal. My son graduated from Kindergarten today, I am so proud of him. He has come such a long way in the 15 months he’s been with us. But not all children get their forever family. For some children the reality is a life in the orphanage and very often those with severe disabilities are not even able to go outside. It is those children that are at the heart of Illuminate India. They provide adapted vans, build new orphanages, provide therapist and much needed care for those who remain without a forever family. This year I am turning 40 and a very dear friend of mi...

Dear birth mom, I wonder where you are... I wonder if you wonder what happened to your son. I wish I could tell you how he became our little wonder. How he’s turning into a caring boy. I wish you could see the sparkle in his eye and the smile that lights up his face. I wish you could feel his hand on your cheek. I wish I could lighten the pain I’m sure you’re feeling when you think of him. No mother relinquishes her child without thought. I wish I could tell him who you are, what you look like and how much you loved him. I wish he got a chance to know you, I wish he could have had a happy life with you but things turned out differently. I promise I love him as my own, I will love him through the good and bad and above all I will keep your memory alive. Even though we don’t know who you are, we know you are and always will be his birth mom and for that I am eternally grateful. Happy mother’s day to all those birth moms who had to make the impossible choice. This i...

Dear Julzie, Today when I tucked you into bed you said something very profound to me. Something you have not said in words before. You told me you loved me (which I have heard a gazillion times) but you also looked me in the eyes and said and I trust you mommy. I thought I was patient when we were waiting for you but you gave patience a whole new dimension. I thought I loved you before I met you; little did I know how you would take that love and bring it to infinity. I was happy before I met you, now I am complete. You have transformed our life in so many different ways; I can’t remember what it was like before. You have awakened in me a deep feeling of compassion and admiration. I admire you little man, how you have embraced your life with such stride and determination. I hope you will forgive me the times I lack patience to understand your troubles; I hope you will come to understand that all I do, I do to nurture you and your heart. We have come a long...

Almost a year ago I was standing on the pavement of our hotel in Bangalore overcome with stress and emotions and to this day I still don’t know how I held it together. A year later I remember exactly the smells and colors of that day, the feeling I had in the taxi on the way, I remember turning into the road of VCT and I remember looking up at the building, I remember seeing the first kids in the corridor, I remember who greeted me and guided me upstairs to the office, I remember in which chair I sat and I remember vividly J appearing in the doorway and leaping into my lap shouting the words mommy. That day is ingrained in my brain and I have a feeling will never fade. My eyes still tear up when I think back to that day, the day everything changed, the day that marked the start of something beautiful but at times so very hard. I have no illusions that all moms go through the hard parts but adoption is still another journey, it’s raw and painful at times and...

2013 was by far the most exciting year in my life, all the years that led up to it just pale next to 2013. It was everything I hoped for and more.   It also went by incredibly fast with highs and lows and above all lots of love and happiness. Here’s a recap of our highlights: 7 January 2013 court approval! 18 February GOTCHA day and the start to an incredible journey of motherhood it also marked the beginning of a friendship with a special family in India to whom I will always be grateful for taking us under their wings. 6 th of June we celebrated his birthday for the first time as a family. 26 th of June I celebrated my first birthday as a mom. July he went to summer school for the first time. The hardest thing ever as he thought we were giving him back. We’re so over that and he’s now happy to go to school and happy to come home every day. In September he started school. In November we moved to the states for a few months so big change but all is ...

“Amma means mother in many languages. It is originally derived from the language Tamil word அம்மா which means mother” When my son puts his hand on my cheek, looks me straight in the eyes and whispers... my amma forever and ever, I feel so full of love and nothing scares me anymore about motherhood. So here’s where we are six months later... In the last two weeks J calls me his amma but only in the evening when we cuddle before going to sleep, the rest of day he calls me mommy. Yet when he calls me his amma there is something different about it, for some reason it feels more significant. It’s the only word he uses from his native language. Six months ago we picked up a happy but also sometimes complicated little boy fast forward six months and J is pretty much like any other boy; charming, naughty and full of energy. Ready to start school next week, goes on play dates, loves dancing and swimming and watching Barney. J speaks already in three languages of course French a...

Welcome to our life. This is us, we travel a lot, we believe in challenge to expand the mind and we try to apply this to our family all the time. That is not to say I was not worried because on the one hand I want to show Julian life and the world on the other hand I want him to have stability. So week 1, school in France. Not only was this the first time he was going to an organized school, it was the first time away from home for the day and boy did it show. He was worried, in his mind school was orphanage and I think he was convinced this is where he was going, back to school waiting for a new mommy and daddy.   I was so stressed the whole day, worried if he’s doing ok and if he’s managing to understand the language ..oh yes did I mention this was in French J When I went to pick him up, he seemed surprised but so happy. On the way home he pointed at me and said: This is still my mommy!!! It was hard not to burst out crying. The rest of the week went great. He went horse...

My sweet Julzie You have been with us almost four months now and what a four months they have been. You showed us your country and we took you to ours. You showed us your family and friends and we replaced them with new ones.   You spoke other languages and we took away some and added others... And you take it all in stride. This month we celebrated your first birthday at home, I don’t know who was more excited you or me. It was such a big milestone. You so proud to be a big five year old boy, me so proud you are my big boy. I remember thinking in the first few weeks, Can I do this? How do I love you unconditionally... now I know. Julzie there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you; you have my heart and more. And yet I feel it is not enough. When you cry silently but can’t tell me why, it aches so much not to be able to take away your sadness. You miss your “foster brother” and all the skype calls in the world can’t make up for it.   You are so consumed ...

“ He is an active child. Though he cannot communicate anything verbally, he follows commands and makes himself understood, but with continuous speech therapy, there is slight improvement. “   The above is an extract from our son’s report before we accepted his referral. We dwelled on it for some time as we were not sure if we would be able to handle it but after talking to the speech therapist in India who said there was a slight improvement we decided to accept him as our son. Why am I writing this post… two and a half months after picking him up he is a nonstop chatter box! It is true that in the first weeks he communicated with one word sentences but today oh my! Julian does not stop talking, he forms complete sentences uses past, present and future tenses and is so keen and eager to learn and repeat new words. Yes his pronunciation is sometimes a little off but my ears are already trained and I understand everything he says. I received some very nice advice from a good ...

Our two month anniversary has gone and passed. We marked it with cake and hot chocolate (for a change J ) Things continue to go well. Julian by now has met quite a few people and has won over every one of them. He’s quite the charmer and he’s so cute, it is impossible not to like him. He continues to be very stubborn at times which can lead to the dreaded tantrums but I have to say they are less frequent now. I just read a very good blog post about how adoptive parents are plagued by guilt and it’s true. You wait so long for your child that once it is there, you are afraid to complain because you wanted it so much so surely you should just be happy all the time. But things don’t go smoothly all the time. I remember the first week I did ask myself if I was cut out for this. Two months later, I can say Yes I’m cut out for it.   I feel comfortable in my mommy role and more importantly with Julian. In the last two months I have gotten to know him so much better that it has become...

We’ve been home now for two weeks trying to find our rhythm. Julian continues to make excellent progress, he can do a 30 piece puzzle by himself, we memorised our first poem. The most amazing thing is his face when he has done something he couldn’t do before, he is sooooo happy and proud and jumps into my arms. I make sure I give him a lot of encouragement and I do spend a lot of time with him. I am still struggling with the discipline and him trying to kiss and hug his way out of trouble.   But I still believe he needs structure and he needs to learn to adjust his social behaviour which brings me back to the hitting and kicking. It has reduced a lot over the last six weeks but sometimes he does it for no reason, it’s almost as if he’s trying to see if the person he’s trying to upset will still love him after. Any advice from other parents is more than welcome on this issue. We also started with our medical visits, we went to a paediatric department for adopted children and ...

Friday 3am we set out for the long journey home. I needn’t have worried about having to wake up J in the middle of the night, as soon as I said time to go home to Lily, he was wide awake! 6am we had a flight to Delhi, no problems... five hour layover... a bit long with a small boy ... 8.5 hour flight to London...slept for 7 hours...one night in London...Eurostar to France... car home. Suitcases unfortunately have gone missing for now... I sure hope they will turn up as they are filled with memories of our trip. Luckily I packed his photo book and adoption papers in the hand luggage. Never in my life have I experienced feeling so much joy at seeing someone else’s happiness. He was just over the moon with his house, his room, his dog, his cat.... My worries about him being afraid of Lily had been unnecessary. Although he is a little bit afraid (she is bigger than him and weighs three times more) he does like her very much and pets her as long as we are there with him. Well I’m hap...

Friday we are travelling home. I am astonished at how fast the time has gone. We’ve been in India now for just over four weeks, we had our one month family anniversary on Monday. I often have to pinch myself that it finally happened, that I am a mom to this amazing little boy. The visa process went very fast and they were extremely helpful at the Embassy. We have a long journey home, two flights and a train ride but Saturday we will be home. J is asking every day if we are going on the airplane today because he wants to give Lily (the dog) and Koshka (the cat) a biiiiiiiiig hug, we’ll see what happens when we are home. Lily is bigger than he is so I have a feeling he’s gonna be a little bit intimidated. I am nervous about going home, I am worried as well. I am sure that to this day he’s still not fully aware of his future. We are still surrounded by people that look just like him, the weather is great, our days are filled with fun, shopping, playing, swimming and hot chocolat...

On Thursday we were notified the passport arrived at the orphanage. Boy I was so happy, we picked it up and I tried to get an appointment with the embassy but they could only see us on Friday morning. Thursday we had another swimming lesson which went quite well, he lasted almost the entire lesson before he started crying he was so cold. He also seemed to be more focussed on the teacher and didn’t try to just put his head under the water or argue with the teacher. Friday morning we went to the embassy, all went well and they were hopeful the visa will be ready on Monday. All the documents were in order as was the passport. I had read many times that the passports only contain the first name of the child but in our case the full name is there, two first names and family name and on the back page of the passport we are listed as his parents. He was so proud of his passport, kept showing it to Momo the bear (who also has a passport) and then of course he was in a panic he had to...

So we are still in Bangalore still waiting for the passport and we decided to make the most of it whilst we are here. We found a swimming club right around the corner of our apartment where every day they have swimming lessons for children. We thought lets give it a go... yesterday was the first lesson. The lessons are one hour. J was in a small group of 3 students (one of which is his new friend R) and things started well. I have to admit I was nervous, J still needs to learn a lot about acceptable behaviour with other people (shouting, hitting and biting is not allowed) but things went fairly ok, after half an hour he had enough though and started crying so I nodded at the teacher that it was ok to let him go. He was so cold, he was shaking like a leaf, my little man has no body fat. After swimming we go to the coffee shop for hot chocolate and cappuccino for mommy. Today was lesson number 2, I had a little chat with the teacher beforehand and today was much better. Of cour...