from zero to puberty in 5 years

Today I read a great letter from Nick Cave about inspiration, I will never be able to put it in words as he did but he says just open your mind to the idea, because the seed that will come to you, is intended really only for you so you just need to grasp it. The thing is that at the moment my brain seems to be a tornado of seeds and I feel like I am just grabbing to try and get hold of just the one seed so I can plant it but each time it slips through my fingers.

I feel I am at an impasse in my life, where one side there is an alluring field with flowers and beauty and on the other side there is a torrent sea, dark and foaming but perhaps underneath the surface a beautiful world could be hidden. I have a restless soul, a thirsty soul with a thirst for something unknown.  Through all this I am trying to get through a minefield that is called puberty which is intertwined with the one called midlife crisis. It’s a constant battle, I am tired and weary, on cloud 9 one moment and at the bottom of a ravine the next. Sometimes I feel I am balancing a thousand balls whilst scaling a mountain and sometimes I feel I am on top of the world. I can bounce out of bed one day full of energy and require a million reasons to get up the next day.

Our journey is slow at the moment, full of pitfalls, unexpected turns and encounters. We have regressed in behaviour by years in the last few weeks and I am trying to pinpoint why. It’s hard to nail it down actually, is it the new kitten, the new school, the new friends, changes in the body, etc.. it’s probably all of these things. So I try to sit and see if I can catch that seed that will inspire me to find an answer and a solution but right now it’s not coming. Sure, some of it is part of growing up but a lot of it is part of his past. The questions are coming, why do not all kids stay with their first family, why do you love the kitten more than me, why do I have to suffer this terrible skin colour, why do I have so much hair on my body etc.. etc… It’s tiring, thank goodness I have many friends and my kindle to escape to. Buttons are pushed constantly just to see if I still love him after. The reality of adoption is that it’s not a fairy tale, I guess it’s the reality of motherhood in general. Of course there are these wonderful moments filled with love and happiness but sometimes they are far and few in between.

In those times it’s important to sit down and travel back to the beginning of your journey because it’s the going back that shows you how far you have come. It’s the going backwards over all the mountains you’ve traveled that reminds you of all you have conquered so far. And sometimes in your travels you need a guide or a porter, someone to help you carry the load, there is nothing wrong with asking for help, with saying the truth, no it’s not ok today. 

Life is not perfect (despite what we see on social media) Life is real, adoption can be hard especially if you adopted an older child and I am not saying that to get pity I think it is important that people are ready for it. I am always prepared for the worst even when it comes to my sports challenges but these I can postpone, but you can’t postpone parenting. You must deal with it and in today’s world that means navigating through storms and hoping you’re all still on board on the other side.