One year...

Almost a year ago I was standing on the pavement of our hotel in Bangalore overcome with stress and emotions and to this day I still don’t know how I held it together. A year later I remember exactly the smells and colors of that day, the feeling I had in the taxi on the way, I remember turning into the road of VCT and I remember looking up at the building, I remember seeing the first kids in the corridor, I remember who greeted me and guided me upstairs to the office, I remember in which chair I sat and I remember vividly J appearing in the doorway and leaping into my lap shouting the words mommy. That day is ingrained in my brain and I have a feeling will never fade.

My eyes still tear up when I think back to that day, the day everything changed, the day that marked the start of something beautiful but at times so very hard. I have no illusions that all moms go through the hard parts but adoption is still another journey, it’s raw and painful at times and beautiful at other times. It messes with your head and heart as you so desperately try to love and make things right for your child. Your child who very likely received no love or attention in the first years of his life, your child who even one year later still can retreat to “his world” and throw a tantrum or get upset over some minute thing and it takes you back because you hadn't expected it, because you sometimes think all is good and suddenly it’s not. That year you so desperately try to catch up on everything, lost love, lost friends, lost education and you realize that it doesn't work. It’s not possible to catch up so quickly and you have to slow down and accept this is the way it is and realize how amazing he has done so far even if he’s not up to par with his peers he still managed to achieve monumental progress. The year that you are not able to keep up with friends and family as much as you want even though I think I did pretty well on that part. The year that so many people judge you and try to give advice but you know there are no set rules in adoption cause every story is so different. The year in which you read so many blogs to try and find something familiar and realize it’s OK, we’re doing OK, we’re not the only ones. The year in which I got to know some amazing moms who are on the same journey and I hope someday to meet some of them in person.

The year in which I realized how extraordinary my husband really is. The year that taught me what family is and the year that taught me patience and love.

We have something unique planned for our one year anniversary, it’s a big surprise but someone very special is visiting us on that day. We have not said anything to him just yet because the disappointment if for some reason the visit gets cancelled would be too great and having to wait for it would be too hard for him.

One year, it seems like a life time and to think we have so many more to come. Bring it on, I love my boy with all my heart and I can’t wait to see how my kind, generous son grows into life.