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from zero to puberty in 5 years

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Today I read a great letter from Nick Cave about inspiration, I will never be able to put it in words as he did but he says just open your mind to the idea, because the seed that will come to you, is intended really only for you so you just need to grasp it. The thing is that at the moment my brain seems to be a tornado of seeds and I feel like I am just grabbing to try and get hold of just the one seed so I can plant it but each time it slips through my fingers. I feel I am at an impasse in my life, where one side there is an alluring field with flowers and beauty and on the other side there is a torrent sea, dark and foaming but perhaps underneath the surface a beautiful world could be hidden. I have a restless soul, a thirsty soul with a thirst for something unknown.   Through all this I am trying to get through a minefield that is called puberty which is intertwined with the one called midlife crisis. It’s a constant battle, I am tired and weary, on cloud 9 one moment and at
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catch up with time

I haven’t blogged on our adoption blog in such a long time. I remember when we started our adoption I searched a lot for post adoption blogs but there were few to find. I completely understand now why that is, life takes on its own rhythm again and leaves you with very little time. Before you know it you’re caught up in parenting a not always easy child and everything else just takes a back seat. At the same time you feel apprehensive in sharing personal information about your child. Sometimes not writing about certain difficulties makes them less real. J is now 9 years old, he doesn’t always behave it though. He still has that exhausting need to be at the centre of attention all the time. When it’s just us, we have found what works for us and he’s really easy going but add some other people in the mix and it can become truly exhausting. I am very thankful we get a lot of support at school and so far he’s been able to keep up in the normal school system. Even that require
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Back to school...

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To the other moms, Your child may be in my child’s class, playgroup or sports group. I am sorry my child doesn’t always fit the norm; he didn’t have a family for many years before coming to us. He had a life without rules and lacked social skills. My child is trying very hard to fit into this world, but he doesn’t always tick all the boxes. He gets excited about things that seem so common to others. He doesn’t always know how to behave to fit in and sometimes resorts to excessive silly behaviour to mask everything else. My child has great anxiety issues because he doesn’t always know what is expected of him. My child may need some more attention than yours. He may not be as clever as your child. Your child may think it’s strange that he doesn’t know the rules of football at age 7 or he has never heard of spongebob squarepants but that’s just because he really doesn’t know. I wish you would tell your child its ok for others to be different, not everyone had the sam
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Had I known then...

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Had I known then, it was going to take 5.5 years to bring you  home... Had I known then, that after two years together you still wouldn’t be sure it’s forever... Had I known then, you could throw tantrums that break my heart... Had I known then, you would chatter nonstop trying to fill up every silence... Had I known then, how hard it was going to be for you at school... Had I known then, how difficult it was going to be to integrate socially.... Had I know then... I would have done it all over again. Because I know now, that your smile every morning fills my heart with love. Because I know now, that you have the best intentions. Because I know now, how courageous you are. Because I know now, how much you wanted a family. Because I know now, I couldn’t have wished for a better son. Because I know now, love.
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on this day two years ago...

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Two years ago to this day, I sat in my dear friend Lisa’s kitchen sipping coffee. I was desperate for news from India by that time we’d been waiting a long time for the court decision. I saw there was an email from In*ia but I was hesitant to open it. Only if you’ve been through an adoption would you understand the hesitation, the desperation for news and the fear of bad news. The fear that maybe it wasn’t approved, the excitement that maybe this was the mail. It turned out to be THE mail, the one that said we were now the parents of J. I was so happy to be with auntie Lisa to share this extremely important moment. From now on, when people asked if I had kids, I could say YES! I have a son. A son, who at that point, I’d never kissed goodnight. A son whose hand I’d never held. A son to whom I’d never read a bed time story. In my mind I had of course fantasised about my son, at that point I already knew about him for some time. In my mind he was sometimes a happy boy and at oth
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Yes we can make a difference...

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7 years ago I posted a letter; it was my first letter inquiring about adoption. Once we got approved I met an extraordinary online mom who adopted three children from India. She was there for me to send me an encouraging word when things were just taking forever. We always stayed in touch and a few years ago she founded Illuminate India. I have supported them ever since because the work they do is just phenomenal. My son graduated from Kindergarten today, I am so proud of him. He has come such a long way in the 15 months he’s been with us. But not all children get their forever family. For some children the reality is a life in the orphanage and very often those with severe disabilities are not even able to go outside. It is those children that are at the heart of Illuminate India. They provide adapted vans, build new orphanages, provide therapist and much needed care for those who remain without a forever family. This year I am turning 40 and a very dear friend of mi
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Mother's day...

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Dear birth mom, I wonder where you are... I wonder if you wonder what happened to your son. I wish I could tell you how he became our little wonder. How he’s turning into a caring boy. I wish you could see the sparkle in his eye and the smile that lights up his face. I wish you could feel his hand on your cheek. I wish I could lighten the pain I’m sure you’re feeling when you think of him. No mother relinquishes her child without thought. I wish I could tell him who you are, what you look like and how much you loved him. I wish he got a chance to know you, I wish he could have had a happy life with you but things turned out differently. I promise I love him as my own, I will love him through the good and bad and above all I will keep your memory alive. Even though we don’t know who you are, we know you are and always will be his birth mom and for that I am eternally grateful. Happy mother’s day to all those birth moms who had to make the impossible choice. This i
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