from zero to puberty in 5 years


Today I read a great letter from Nick Cave about inspiration, I will never be able to put it in words as he did but he says just open your mind to the idea, because the seed that will come to you, is intended really only for you so you just need to grasp it. The thing is that at the moment my brain seems to be a tornado of seeds and I feel like I am just grabbing to try and get hold of just the one seed so I can plant it but each time it slips through my fingers.

I feel I am at an impasse in my life, where one side there is an alluring field with flowers and beauty and on the other side there is a torrent sea, dark and foaming but perhaps underneath the surface a beautiful world could be hidden. I have a restless soul, a thirsty soul with a thirst for something unknown.  Through all this I am trying to get through a minefield that is called puberty which is intertwined with the one called midlife crisis. It’s a constant battle, I am tired and weary, on cloud 9 one moment and at the bottom of a ravine the next. Sometimes I feel I am balancing a thousand balls whilst scaling a mountain and sometimes I feel I am on top of the world. I can bounce out of bed one day full of energy and require a million reasons to get up the next day.

Our journey is slow at the moment, full of pitfalls, unexpected turns and encounters. We have regressed in behaviour by years in the last few weeks and I am trying to pinpoint why. It’s hard to nail it down actually, is it the new kitten, the new school, the new friends, changes in the body, etc.. it’s probably all of these things. So I try to sit and see if I can catch that seed that will inspire me to find an answer and a solution but right now it’s not coming. Sure, some of it is part of growing up but a lot of it is part of his past. The questions are coming, why do not all kids stay with their first family, why do you love the kitten more than me, why do I have to suffer this terrible skin colour, why do I have so much hair on my body etc.. etc… It’s tiring, thank goodness I have many friends and my kindle to escape to. Buttons are pushed constantly just to see if I still love him after. The reality of adoption is that it’s not a fairy tale, I guess it’s the reality of motherhood in general. Of course there are these wonderful moments filled with love and happiness but sometimes they are far and few in between.

In those times it’s important to sit down and travel back to the beginning of your journey because it’s the going back that shows you how far you have come. It’s the going backwards over all the mountains you’ve traveled that reminds you of all you have conquered so far. And sometimes in your travels you need a guide or a porter, someone to help you carry the load, there is nothing wrong with asking for help, with saying the truth, no it’s not ok today. 

Life is not perfect (despite what we see on social media) Life is real, adoption can be hard especially if you adopted an older child and I am not saying that to get pity I think it is important that people are ready for it. I am always prepared for the worst even when it comes to my sports challenges but these I can postpone, but you can’t postpone parenting. You must deal with it and in today’s world that means navigating through storms and hoping you’re all still on board on the other side.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 4

Image
We got up early this morning 7:30 and woke up J. As usually he comes for a cuddle in our bed, he loves it, he loves playing hide and seek with mommy under the duvet. We got dressed for breakfast and he was veering towards a mood but daddy managed to diffuse it by involving him in counting and preparing daddy’s supplements. Mission accomplished! We spoke to him that he needs to sit at the table during breakfast and not run to the swimming pool and he promised he would and he kept his promise. We arranged to go to the zoo today with our friends and whilst waiting for the taxi I showed him the videos I made at home from our dog and cat. He was super excited, kept kissing my computer screen, waving at the dog and petting them on the screen. So I’m not worried he will not like the animals J The zoo was great, we had a good time. We did the safari first and he was so happy to see all the animals. We got great pics as we were seated directly behind the driver and his assistant, they
Read more

Back to school...

Image
To the other moms, Your child may be in my child’s class, playgroup or sports group. I am sorry my child doesn’t always fit the norm; he didn’t have a family for many years before coming to us. He had a life without rules and lacked social skills. My child is trying very hard to fit into this world, but he doesn’t always tick all the boxes. He gets excited about things that seem so common to others. He doesn’t always know how to behave to fit in and sometimes resorts to excessive silly behaviour to mask everything else. My child has great anxiety issues because he doesn’t always know what is expected of him. My child may need some more attention than yours. He may not be as clever as your child. Your child may think it’s strange that he doesn’t know the rules of football at age 7 or he has never heard of spongebob squarepants but that’s just because he really doesn’t know. I wish you would tell your child its ok for others to be different, not everyone had the sam
Read more

frustration...

We had some bad news yesterday, where I thought our file had already long been filed in the court it appears now this is not the case. There seem to be more documents missing, I was so disappointed that another month has passed without anything happening and as per usual some of the documents are already in our file. I am waiting for clarification on what exactly is needed. At the same time the warden of the orphanage has passed away. We did not get a chance to meet this woman but judging from the reactions on facebook etc.. this was a wonderful person and I am sure the children and staff are going through a difficult time. I can't help but wonder what effect this lady had on Raju's life and if he is in any way going through a hard time. I feel so helpless not to be able to do anything. I hope we can clarify the missing documents before our trip to the US, I hate to think we would loose another month on administrative nonsense. I know it is not nonsense and it is important but
Read more